Letter to our angel babies

To our sweet angels,

If my IVF would’ve worked, our due date would’ve been today, July 6. I still remember that day we were given the call and were told you guys, our precious angels, had gone to be with Jesus. We were on our way to a toy show with Grandma and Grandpa when they called on Mommy’s cell phone. I remember having to pull over to the side of the road and Daddy held me for a long time. I remember that exact spot and every time we go by it, I get chills and tear up. That was the spot our lives turned upside down.

I miss you, my precious angels. I think about you guys every day. I know you guys are so happy and are safe up in heaven, but I’d be lying if I didn’t admit I wish you were here with your daddy and I. I get sad some days, so very, very sad.

But, I’m so grateful for the time we did have together. All the ultrasounds, the appointments, learning about you guys and how you were growing. We were able to spend quite a bit of time getting to know you guys and what to expect. And thank you so much, our angels, for giving Daddy and I such precious time together as we created you. We got to spend a lot of extra time together driving to the appointments and the retrieval and we are so grateful for that.

I am so sad you guys aren’t here with us. There isn’t a day that goes by that I don’t wish you were here. Some days it hurts so bad to think about it and just to breathe hurts. The pain is so unbearable sometimes.

But, there are days I realize how lucky we are to have created you guys and how lucky we are to be parents to 4 precious angels. You guys have changed our lives so much. We have seen the goodness of so many people because of you guys. We met our donor egg angel, Stacey, 2 Megans who have been through donor egg/embryo cycles and your Daddy got to go down to Texas and spend time with your cousin Amy and her kids. And now we’ve gotten to witness the most precious, unselfish, miraculous gift Kami and Steve could ever give. We never would have experienced these experiences if you guys hadn’t been in our lives for such a short period of precious time. We have experienced miracles because of you guys, our miracle babies.

And there have been times where I know you guys have been there. Other people may think your mommy is looking too much into it and think I’ve lost my mind….and they may be right….but I know in my heart, you guys were there and had some part in it. Like when our friend paid for our bill at the restaurant for Mother’s Day and the time the baby bunny was under our angel tree. You guys had a part in that, didn’t you? Thank you for showing us you are here and that you are real.

To be honest, I thought this day would be harder than it was. Instead of focusing on what I’ve lost, I’ve been focusing on what I have and what precious gifts you guys have given your daddy and me. I can’t thank you guys enough for all you’ve shown and given to us.

I know you’re in heaven and there’s no greater place to be. I know it’s only a short time until your daddy, I and the 4 of you finally have our family reunion. I know when we get to heaven, you guys will be waiting for us at heaven’s gates and I can’t wait to hug you guys and hold you for eternity.

We love you guys and miss you guys so much. Until we meet in heaven, we’re always thinking of you guys and loving you so very much.

Love
Mommy and Daddy

The day we got the news

The letter I wrote to the babies

What I wrote to family and friends shortly after our cancelled transfer


Stimulation day 7


Stimulation day 10


Stimulation day 11


In memory of our 4 angels

We've been hurt..

I've been hurt lately by someone. I had thought about writing a protected post about it, but after a couple days, I've thought about it some more and I've decided to take this, turn it around and learn from it.

This person (we'll name her X) and I haven't seen eye to eye with infertility. We've both struggled but our journeys have taken us different ways. X and her husband turned to adoption while we, as you know, have gone a different direction. Although she has been very supportive and loving at times, Mark and I have always felt that because we haven't chosen adoption and X doesn't believe in IVF, we aren't as "good" as them and they don't make a secret about that.

Lately there have been some things done by X that have been very hurtful to us. Very hurtful. I don't want to go into detail as I don't feel details are necessary and I don't want to add fuel to the fire.

My feelings will be written in a couple posts as I have a lot on my mind. I don't feel I have to explain myself, but it sure helps to get things out in the open as it's awesome therapy.

First, I want to explain why adoption is not an option for us. I think adoption is wonderful. I wish it was more of an option for us so we could explore it more.

As you may know, in an adoption, you have to have a home study. In a home study, you have to have a physical to get medically cleared. Mark has a better chance of getting struck by lightning, holding a winning lottery ticket during a blizzard at the Magic Kingdom in Florida than passing a physical. It's just not going to happen.

We've been told I could adopt as a "single person" but we've also been told that my responsibilities with Mark will probably be an issue with that. Besides, I wouldn't want to do this on my own. I want Mark to be a part of it for sure.

We know that with a known adoption, it would be easier to pass and we are definitely open to that if God leads us in that direction, but as you may remember, God opened that door and shut it again.

Okay, let's say a miracle happens and Mark does get approved during the home study. For one thing, it's a long process obviously and if we chose a child from another country, just the flying alone and traveling would be way too hard on Mark. Then to have a baby in the US, it's a unbelievably long waiting list and with Mark's health issues, the longer the wait, the less of an option.

Okay, let's say we get a precious baby or 1-year-old in a couple years. Reality is (and I hate saying this), Mark will probably not live too long although we certainly hope that's not the case. But, let's say Mark passes away when our child is 4. That poor child has suffered not only the loss or abandonment or his/her birth parents, but now has just lost a father yet again. The poor child. Can you imagine what that would be like?

Now I know you can't go through life with all the "what if" situations. I do know that. But honestly and realistically, it is something I think about and I worry about the emotional well-being of our child.

The thing is, people don't realize how sick Mark really is until they see it and even then they don't know everything. People might think "oh, he has diabtes and heart issues. There are lots of people like that". The truth is, yes, there are, but Mark has had it for so many years and he is much more fragile because of it. I won't go into all the medical details. Let's just say we've been told many times by doctors that he's lucky to be alive and that he's like the Ener.gizer Bunny. He keeps going and going and going.....

My parents and sister have seen Mark in the hospital and in insulin reactions and they are probably the closest ones to understand. They've always been there for us and have always been one of our biggest supporters--thank you guys! Love you!

But the truth is, the insulin reactions they've seen have been pretty minor. Not that they aren't serious and scary, but they've seen Mark stubborn and not eating and acting strange. I've seen the worst reactions where he is seizuring, foaming at the mouth, nonresponsive, eyes staring at me and scared like he has no clue what's going on. I can tell you that if anyone saw those reactions, you would know why adoption is not an option for us and why Mark would never pass a physical. If a social worker witnessed that, our file would be closed faster than a flying Super.man.

So, you may be asking yourself, why on earth would we want to have a baby anyway? What are we thinking?

That would be another post. :)

Six silly things

I was tagged by Jess for six silly things....oh, boy, huh? :) You guys are in for it!

Thanks for tagging me Jess!

Ok, here are the rules to the game:

-Mention and link to the person who tagged you
-List Six Silly Things That Make You Happy
-Tag six of your favorite bloggers to play along

1. A good "artwork"(see honest scrap post below). Seriously. Every time I have a good one, Mark says I look so happy.
2. Shaking my booty with Peyton. There's nothing like dancing and teaching a 3-year-old to shake her booty.
3. A dream consisting of sex and the big "O". Yes, you read that right. Tammy actually wrote that out loud.
4. Severe thunderstorms and tornadoes. I don't know why, but the fact that a storm that could kill us excites me very much...maybe I have a death wish?
5. Seeing that one of my favorite movies when I was a kid is on TV that I haven't seen in forever...it's a great feeling. :)
6. My husband. He's about the silliest, goofiest person you'd ever meet, but he makes me so dang happy, it's unbelievable.

Okay, and I'm cheating again. :( I don't know who to tag, so if you wanna do it, consider yourself tagged. :)

Honest Scrap Award

I was recently tagged by LM. THank you sweetie!

Here are the rules:

1. Choose a minimum of 7 blogs that you find interesting and engaging

2. Show the 7 winners names and links on your blog and leave a comment informing them that they have won the "Honest Scrap Award"

3. List at least 10 honest things about yourself


Okay, I don't know who to tag...so if you want to do it, leave me a comment and I'll tag ya...how does that sound? :)

Here are the 10 honest things about me:

1. I still watch "Save.d By The B.ell" and "Ful.l Hou.se" and those types of shows...I'm such a geek.

2. When I was in college in Speech class, my classmate gave a speech about how your poop is artwork. I made the mistake of telling Mark that and now whenever he has to go to the bathroom, he says he has to go do some artwork...try explaining that to a 3-year-old. :)

3. Mark has tons of scars on his body from all his surgeries. He has 2 scars above his belly button and with his tiny belly, it looks like he has a smiley face on his tummy. Oh my gosh, he'd kill me if he knew I told you guys that. :)

4. I taught Tyler to moon people.

5. Eddie always whines at 3 in the morning...not to go outside, not to eat...he just gets lonely and wants me up. Sounds sweet, but at 3 in the morning, he's lucky to be alive.

6. I sometimes worry that I'm not a mother because I would be a horrible one

7. I've told someone I have another call when I don't just to get off the phone with them...and I don't have call waiting.

8. I'm terrified of snakes. Let me see a mouse or a spider or anything but a snake.

9. I used to love when Mark went into the hospital because then I would actually get some sleep. This was when Mark was really sick.

10. I hate it when people say "you can have my kids"...hate it. Do people really think that's funny?? I mean, really??? That bugs me almost as much as "have you ever thought of adoption?"...like no way! I've been dealing with infertility for 6 years now and you JUST told me about this NOW???? Okay, yeah, I know people are just trying to be nice and don't mean anything by it but this is my "honest scrap" award, so just being honest. :)

Still here...

I feel so bad that I've gotten so far behind on my blogs. :( I'm so sorry guys. I promise to catch up.

I found out that my stomach is out of place (believe it or not, it's possible), my neck is really out of place, I have TMJ dysfunction and I have some kind of flu bug and a possible parotid gland infection. Sounds fun, huh? :( At night I feel better, but the computer gets me really sick so it makes it hard to work....sound familiar, Kami? :) We really are in this together. :)

I've been working, but having to use my breaks to sleep and settle my stomach. That's how I can get through the day. Otherwise, I can't eat or work without getting sick and throwing up.

I'm still thinking it's sympathy sickness for Kami. :)

Mark has been so good to me, though. He cleaned up the bathroom and the toilet so I would have something freshly clean to puke in. :) Ain't he sweet?

I have so many things to blog about. I've been tagged twice and I promise to get to that. :) I have a family member who has really hurt me which I want to blog about and write out some of my feelings (I won't be attacking or using names, just blogging...it's good therapy). I want to acknowledge July 6 as that was my IVF due date. :( And I want to look back at our journey as this month marks 6 years Mark and I have been trying to have a baby...bittersweet. :(

So, I'll be blogging a lot....you'll get so sick of me. :) And this weekend, I'm hoping to be feeling better and getting caught up on all you guys.

Lots of love and hugs

Still not feeling up to par

Still having sympathy sickness. :( And yes, Kami, I'll take all of it or I'll try. :) Love you girl!!

I'm going to get a chiropractic adjustment today and hopefully that will help, but I was in bed from 4 on last night and only up for about half an hour. Ugh!

Thank you all so much for your comments and wishes. :) I appreciate them!

I have so many blogs to catch up on and I promise I will when I'm feeling better. I always feel so horrible when I get behind. :( I do think of you guys!

I had a very emotional morning this morning as I had a very realistic dream last night that I was 9 months pregnant, going into labor, was in pain, uncomfortable but was excited to see my baby. You guys, it was so realistic and I've been so emotional all morning because of it. Being sick doesn't help as I'm always more emotional when I'm sick, but that dream was really hard.

I think my upcoming due date is harder on me than I thought.

I promise I'll be catching up on the blogs soon! Love you all!

I'm having sympathy sickness

I've been sick today. :( Basically sick since noon and sleeping off and on and then in front of the toilet when I wasn't sleeping or trying to work. I think I'm having sympathy all day sickness for Kami.

We're in this together, huh, Kami? :) Okay, not really. :)