Thanks guys!!

Awww, you guys are the absolute best! Thank you so much for your love and support. It really means a lot.

I'm doing better now. I guess I just needed a pity party. I also talked to my sister which helped a lot. She feels so bad because she feels like just her presence causes me pain and she hates hurting me. And I feel like she can't enjoy her pregnancy because she feels like she's always hurting me. It seems like we're 2 people who love each other so much and don't want to hurt each other. I love having a sister like that and I know how lucky I am.

Thanks again you guys! I love you all!

I have to tell you something funny that happened with Mark:

Tammy: Hey honey, I got this e-mail and I wanna read it to you.

Mark: Okay.

Tammy: Okay, here it goes. It's about the 6 truths of life. #1: You cannot touch all your teeth with your tongue.

Mark (moving his tongue around in his mouth): Really? Cause I can do that! I can do something nobody can do! Isn't that cool?

Tammy: Sure honey. Okay, #2: All idiots, after reading #1 will try it.

Mark gives a blank look.

Tammy: #3: And discover that #1 is a lie.

Mark (starts laughing): Yeah, I guess it's true. I'm not as cool as I thought.

Tammy: #4: You're smiling now because you're an idiot.

Mark: It doesn't say that!

Tammy: It sure does! Here, take a look! (Tammy shows Mark the e-mail).

Mark: Okay, that's real funny.

Tammy: #5: You will soon forward this to another idiot. #6: There's still a stupid smile on your face.

Mark (smile immediately goes away): Does it really say that?

Tammy: Yeah, take a look (Tammy shows it to Mark again).

Mark sighs and starts mumbling how mean I am to him.

I love it. :)

Why can't I just be happy and not angry??

This is a selfish post. I’ll come right out and say that right away.

Church is usually my “safe” place. It’s like my second family and the support there is always so wonderful. Even despite the fact that Mark’s ex recently started going there….which does make for some interesting times there, but it’s all good.

Tonight it wasn’t such a safe place and I left in tears.

Here’s some background info. My pastor and his wife started dating in May. They got married in August. Last Wednesday night they announced they were adopting 5-week-old twins and tonight was the first time people in the church got to see them.

I’m not even going to mention the fact that they seem to be going waaaaay too fast. I won’t mention the fact that they make adoption seem so easy and that anyone can do it at any time. I won’t mention the fact that them moving so fast kind of gives the young people in our church the wrong idea. Nope…I won’t mention that because I don’t think I should on this blog.

What I will mention is that it was so hard to see those twins tonight. And that makes me angry.

I’m angry because I can’t be happy for them. I’m angry because I can’t hold the twins because it hurts too much. I’m angry because people don’t understand that and they’ll ask me “Did you see the twins and how cute they are?”. I’m angry because it’s not me. I’m angry because it comes so easy for some people and it’s harder than heck for us.

Then, as some may know, my sister is unexpectantly pregnant! I am very excited to be an aunt again…even though the news came as a shock and it was a little hard to hear at first. I have to say, my sister handled telling me in the best way and she has been so supportive and sweet throughout this. I couldn’t have asked for a better sister right now….one who totally respects our feelings and loves us so much and knows that it must be hard for me.

Anyway, tonight she chose to tell people at church, so people were coming up congratulating them…while I was standing there. I know she didn’t mean for that to happen and she has every right to tell people when she wants to….I do understand that completely.

But, of course I was angry again.

I’m angry because I can’t just put on a smile and truly be happy for them. I’m angry because I want it to be me they are congratulating. I’m angry because everyone seems so happy for them and don’t realize how hard it is for me. I’m angry because once again, it comes so easy for everyone else.

I finally had had enough and told Mark we had to leave. Then in the car, Mark brings up the twins and I snap. I yell at Mark because he doesn’t realize how much I was hurt and how much I didn’t want to talk about it. The one person who can usually read my mind didn’t even know how much it bothered me. And then I felt so bad because I snapped and because I hurt Mark.

Why do I feel like this? Why does it have to hurt? Why am I so angry?

Yes, I know we have our embryos and our transfer coming up. To be honest, right now, I don’t want to hear about how “soon we’ll be able to announce our pregnancy” and “I’ll be pregnant soon” and “don’t worry, it’ll work and it’ll be your time” and all that. Right now, I want to be selfish, be angry, hate the “fertiles” and just be sad for me. I know it’s selfish, but right now, dang it, I wanna be angry and selfish.

I know I’m blessed. I’m happy with my life. But I have feelings too and sometimes this journey sucks and nobody understands…unless you’ve been through it. Nobody knows how much seeing baby twins can hurt and how just hearing someone else tell a pregnant woman “Congratulations” can bring you to tears.

I know you guys understand. Right now I could use some hugs from people who understand. I love you guys!

Awards!

I've been awarded for a couple awards!

First Chelle at Once an Infertile sweetly awarded me with the Kreative Blogger award. Thank you Chelle!



Here are The Rules:
1. Thank the person who nominated you for this award.
2. Copy the logo and place it on your blog.
3. Link to the person who nominated you for this award.
4. Write 7 things about yourself that people may not know.
5. Nominate 7 Kreativ Bloggers.
6. Post links to the 7 blogs you nominate.
7. Leave a comment on each of the blogs, letting them know they’ve been nominated.

Here are the 7 things. Oh, boy, huh? :)

1. Once I had heard the average person farts 17 times a day so I counted one day. I can't remember the exact count but I know it was in the 20s.
2. I'm the only one in our school's history to have set all 5 gymnastics school records and I currently have the mile school record and conference record of a time of 5:24. (Okay, that's my bragging point :)).
3. I was voted Most Quiet in my senior class which absolutely SHOCKS Mark.
4. I flash Mark all the time and I'm scared one time I'll accidentally do it in front of my mom and dad.
5. I hate licorce.
6. I've never ridden in a train.
7. I would LOVE to meet Sarah Palin. I think she's the best.

I was also nominated for the Over the Top award from Hope Endures. Thank you sweetie!!



Here are the rules:
USE ONLY ONE WORD! It’s not as easy as you might think. Copy and change the answers to suit yourself and pass it on. It’s really hard to use only one-word answers so try your best.

Once you’re done tag 6 other bloggers and let them know that you think they are ‘Over the Top’!

» Where is your cell phone? Purse
» Your hair? New!
» Your mother? Awesome
» Your father? Cool
» Your favourite food? Chocolate
» Your dream last night? Wierd
» Your favourite drink? Mocha
» Your dream/goal? Baby :)
» What room are you in? Living
» Your hobby? Reading
» Your fear? Widow
» Where do you want to be in 6 years? happy
» Where were you last night? Wal-Mart
» Something that you aren’t? Calm
» Muffins? Lemon
» Wish list item? baby
» Where did you grow up? Wisconsin
» Last thing you did? Eat
» What are you wearing? Clothes
» Your TV? News
» Your pets? BEST
» Friends? Amazing
» Your life? Awesome
» Your mood? Sleepy
» Missing someone? Yes
» Vehicle? Aveo
» Something you’re not wearing? Makeup
» Your favourite store? Jo-Anns
» Your favourite colour? Purple
» When was the last time you laughed? Today
» Last time you cried? Today
» Your best friend? Mark
» One place that you go to over and over? Bed
» One person who emails you regularly? Mom
» Favourite place to eat? Culver's

Thanks again you guys!

I'm going to break the rules and not tag anyone....I know, cop out. I always feel like I'm going to hurt someone else's feelings by "missing someone" and I don't like doing that...even though I promise it's unintentional!

If anyone wants to do it, go ahead!

New button!!!

My friend, Jennifer, has been so kind to be so incredibly patient with my computer ignorance to help me create a button for my blog. It's on the right side if you would like to put it on your blog. I also have one for praying for Mark if you have a prayer list on your blog. Mark could use all the prayers he can get.

Thank you Jennifer for all your help! Please head over to her blog. She makes beautiful jewelry and needs to make some money for an IVF cycle.

New haircut!

Thank you to everyone who voted on my poll. :) Looks like the majority finds a private place. I would love to hear from the person who has never farted in their life. :) Mark would love for me to be more like you. :)

I'm going to be putting up a new poll soon. I love them....pretty interesting. :)

Thank you also to those who wished my mom a happy birthday! You guys are so sweet!!

Yesterday I got a new haircut. I'd been wanting something new and different and so I went for it and I absolutely love it! So does Mark.

The pictures are a little hard to see and get the whole idea, but here is the just of it:

The before (with a bonus picture of Peyton who came with me because I needed someone brave and she said she could do it :)):


And the after:


I have some catching up on my blogs and e-mails that I'm hoping to do tonight! Yesterday was so busy with work, Peyton, getting my haircut and then having Draven later and picking up Tyler from school. Then Mark's son showed up later that night. So, it was busy! Today, we traveling to another toy show. We've been away the last 3 weekends! I love being busy, but I need to get caught up on my housework. Last night, Peter wrote "Peter rules" in our dust. Isn't that disgusting?? Obviously this house needs a good cleaning. I'm sooooo far behind.

Hope you all have a wonderful weekend!!

Happy Birthday Mom!!

Today is my mom’s birthday! Happy Birthday Mom! I love you!

I know people who have great moms say they have the best mom and I’m no different.

From the time I was young, she has always been there for me and always gave so much of herself. Even when I was in high school gymnastics and had some bad back problems, she still supported me in the sport, along with my dad, paid for all my Emergency Room visits and physical therapy without any complaints.

When we got married, it was her idea to move the wedding up and she did so much to help with that, including doing all the cooking of the food for the meal for our guests. She did so much work with the wedding.

And, I can’t tell you how many times she has been there for Mark and me during his hospitalizations and transplant. So many times she spent the night with me in the hospital, just to be there for me. And I remember many times calling her in the middle of the night to tell her I was in the Emergency Room with Mark and without hesitation, would come down to be there with me. There was never a part of me that hesitated calling her no matter what time because I knew it just didn’t matter and I knew I’d be in trouble later if I didn’t. :)

And now with our struggles with infertility, once again, she is the best mother I could ever imagine. She has been there for us through everything. She has driven us to appointments. And she has helped make memory quilts to raise money for our treatments. She has never forgotten about our angels as she has cross-stitched a special Precious Moments cross stitch in honor of our angels, given us roses in memory of them on our anniversary, among other things.

My mom has always been there for me and has always been the best mom. I can count on her for anything.

Mom, thank you for doing so much for us. You are the best, most supportive mom I could ever imagine. Thank you for setting the example of the mom I want to be. Because of you, I am the person I am and the mom I hope to be. I love you so much Mom.

Happy birthday!

Mom's gonna kill me for showing this picture but I love it. A couple years ago, Mark was in the hospital during Christmas. So, to make us smile, Mom dressed up as Santa and came and visited us in the hospital:


A couple pictures of my mom and I (which proves we look NOTHING alike :)):



Me, Peyton and my mom the day of our egg retrieval:

Definitely drawn to them

Idiots, that is.

Yesterday we got our oil changed at a dealer here in town. I love going there because that's where we got our car and everyone knows us, but mostly because they give you free cappuccino while you wait. Sweet!!

Anyway, after we got the oil changed, we went to the car wash next door, got the car washed and the car nice and vaccuumed. While we were exiting the car wash, we noticed the car started to chug. We didn't know what it was. Then, we drove a little ways to the stop light and stopped the car and it chugged some more. After driving it a little more, the "Check Engine" light came on.

We pull over right away. Mark's the calm one and I'm sitting there freaking out thinking the car's gonna blow. Mark tells me to pop the hood and we notice that there is oil everywhere.

They had forgotten to put the oil cap on. Seriously????

So, I have Mark call up there and talk to them because he knows the car "lingo" and can better explain it to them. Mark just smiles because apparently saying "you forgot to put the oil cap back on" is too much car "lingo" for me.

Anyway, Mark calls and they say to bring the car right back up. After Mark questions us driving it, they say it's okay as long as we don't go too fast...like less than 30. So, we're driving on a busy highway going 30. That's just great.

Anyway, so we get it up there, and they're very apologetic. At first they can't find an oil cap that will fit. Mark says that if that's a problem, we could just switch cars and we'll take the 2010 Camaro in the show room. They didn't go for it...dang!

They finally find the oil cap lodged by the radiator and they clean up the engine very well. They drained the oil and put in some fresh oil for fear of the water getting in there from the car wash.

The good news is we got 3 free oil changes now and I got another free cup of cappuccino! Yay!

But, a trade-off for the 2010 Camaro I think would've been a better deal. :)